he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
