I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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