Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My vagina is officially offended.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
