Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
