Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
