I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
