she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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