True but thats because hes a fetus.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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