I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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