My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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