I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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