a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
