There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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