My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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