we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
