You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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