Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
