dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My balls are so social today.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
