I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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