lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
