i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
