I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
