someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
