I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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