It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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