saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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