wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
