Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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