cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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