she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
