Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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