you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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