I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
