i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
