It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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