dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
