Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
