I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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