Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
