Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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