I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
