Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
