when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
