I love black thongs
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
