My liver just broke up with me...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
