I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This is my gift to your gina
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
