Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
