I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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