i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
