i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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