Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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