Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As shirtless as possible
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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