My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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