I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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